Aamer's Joke Box

Aamer's Joke Box Word of Caution:
Please remember before reading that I, to the best of my belief, believe that these jokes are by no means any copy right protected material. If anyone of them is, please notify me (hum ussay droost karan gaiy).
Moreover, the courtesy entry tells how I received the Joke, and does not specify the original creator. So if you think your joke goes under the wrong name it is not necessary that I think the same.

Sherlock Holmes vs. Dr. Watson Courtesy: Tanveer Haider Minhas

The Divine Sign Courtesy: Tanveer Haider Minhas

Legal Funny Courtesy: Tanveer Haider Minhas

Comparison

The Two Cow System Courtesy: Imad
Why did the chicken cross the road Courtesy: Arif Shuja

Three Parrots Courtesy: Samia

What if people buy cars as they buy computers? Courtesy: Yahya Aleem-ur-Rehman

Terrible Truths (and other principles of disaster) Courtesy: http://www.funnybone.com

The Third Logic Level

IT Husband Courtesy: Yahya Aleem-ur-Rehman
The Y to K Problem Courtesy: Tanveer Haider Minhas

Great Sardar Jokes

Sardar G and Exams Courtesy: Samia
Sardar G and Lie Detector Courtesy: Samia
Sardar G and Banana Peel Courtesy: Samia
Sardar G and Donkey Courtesy: Samia
Sardar G and Bet Courtesy: Samia
Sardar G and Phone Courtesy: Samia
Sardar G and Capital Courtesy: Samia
Sardarni writes a Letter Courtesy: Tanveer Haider Minhas

Do you have a good joke to share, please mail it to me. If it deems suitable you will find it here, the next time I update this page.

Sherlock Holmes vs. Dr. Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his
faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "And what does that tell you, Watson?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that some one has stolen our tent."

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Legal Funny

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Assoc.Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials &, in certain cases the responses givenby insightful witnesses.

*"Now doctor,isn't it true that when a person dies in his,sleep he doesnt know about it until the next morning?"

*"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

*"The youngest son,the twenty-year-old one,how old is he?"

*"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

*"Did he kill you?"

*"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?"

*"You were there until the time you left,is that true?"

*"How many times have you comitted sucide?"

*Q:"She had three children,right?"
A:"Yes."
Q:"How many were boys?"
A:"None."
Q:"Were there any girls?"

*Q:"You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A:"Yes."
Q:"And these stairs,did they go up also?

*Q:"How was your first marriage terminated?"
A:"By death."
Q:"And by who's death was it terminated?"

*Q:"Can you describe the individual?"
A:"He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q:"Was this a male or a female?"

*Q:"Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent your attorney?"
A:"No,this is how I dress when I go to work."

*Q:"Doctor,how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A:"All of my autopsies are performed on dead people."

*Q:"All your responses must be oral,ok?What school did you go to?"
A:"Oral."

*Q:"Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A:"The autopsy started around 3:30 pm."
Q:"And Mr.Dennington was dead at the time?"
A:"No,he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing the autopsy!"

*Q:"Doctor,before you performed the autopsy,did u check for a pulse?"
A:"No."
Q:"Did u check for blood pressure?"
A:"No."
Q:"Did you check for breathing?"
A:"No."
Q:"Then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A:"No."
Q:"How can you be sure,doctor?"
A:"Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q:"But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A:"It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

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Comparison

The Two Cow System

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. You keep one and give the other to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The Government takes both and shares the milk with you and your neighbor.
FASCISM: You have two cows. You give the milk to the government and they sell it back to you.
NAZISM: Government shoots you and takes both your cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You milk them and pour the lot down the drain to keep the price up.
SADISM: You have two cows. You shoot them both and drown yourself in the milk.
WELFARE STATE: You have two cows. You milk them and give them the milk to drink.
ANARCHISM: You have two cows. The cows shoot you and milk each other.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. You fill in 17 forms in triplicate and you don't have time to milk them.
IDEALISM: You have two cows. You marry and your wife milks them.
REALISM: You have two cows. You get married and you still milk them.
COMMONSENSE: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull!
NONSEENSE: You have two cows. You sell both and buy two bulls. :-)

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Why/How did the Chicken cross the road

COMPUTER's ASSEMBLER CHICKEN: First it builds the road ...
C CHICKEN: It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ CHICKEN: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.
COBOL CHICKEN:       0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
                                        IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES
                                        THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
                                        VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
                                        ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
                                        ELSE
                                        GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSINGc
CRAY CHICKEN: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.
DELPHI CHICKEN: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
G3 300 mH CHICKEN: It crosses twice as fast as any Pentium chicken
GOPHER CHICKEN: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
INTEL PENTIUM CHICKEN: The chicken crossed 4.9999978 times.
IOMEGA CHICKEN: The chicken should have backed up before crossing.
JAVA CHICKEN: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chiclets.)
LOTUS CHICKEN: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!
MAC CHICKEN: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.
MIICROSFT CHICKEN (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.
NEWTON CHICKEN: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket!
NT CHICKEN: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.
OOP CHICKEN: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
OS/2 CHICKEN: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.
OS/ 8.1 HFS+ CHICKEN: It had much more free space to cross.
QUANTUM LOGIC CHICKEN: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice.
VB CHICKEN: USHighways!<TheRoad.cross> (aChicken)
WEB CHICKEN: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
WINDOWS 95 CHICKEN: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken.
WINDOWS 98 CHICKEN: It should have expected to cause a crash while crossing.

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Three Parrots

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why, does the parrot cost so much" asks the first man. The owner says "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question "What can it do?"
To which the owner replies "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!".

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What if people buy cars like computers?

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $15,000.00 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars stink!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't crash anymore!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

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Terrible Truths (and other principles of disaster)

Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think.
Murphy's Third Law: In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Murphy's Tenth Law: It is impossible to make anything fool proof, because fools are so ingenious.
Schmidt's Observation: All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person.
Nick the Greek's Law of Life: All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
Nowlan's Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.
Van Roy's Law: Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
Van Roy's Truism: Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
Agnes' Law: Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
Clarke's Conclusion: Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
Goda's Truism: By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
Johnny Carson's Definition: The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
Wilner's Observation: All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
The Phone Booth Rule: A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
Zall's Laws: (1) Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do will be wrong. (2) How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
Ettore's Observation: The other line moves faster.
Griffin's Thought: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Cann's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.
Macaluso's Doctrine: You've never been as sick as just before you stop breathing.
Knebel's Law: It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
The Law of Selective Gravity, or the Buttered-Side Down Law: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
Stale's Law: No matter how careful one is in resealing the inner liner in a cereal box, it will tear where it is glued to the box.
William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

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The Third Logic Level

IT Husband

Husband : ( Returning late from work ) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife        : Have you brought the ring ?
Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife        : But I told you in the morn...
Husband : Erroneous syntax.
Wife        : What about my new blouse ?
Husband : Variable not found
Wife        : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied ...
Wife        : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny ?
Husband : Too many parameters. Abort!...
Wife        : It was a grave mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife        : You are a useless nut.
Husband : Default Parameter.
Wife        : What about your Salary ?
Husband : Access denied. File in use...
Wife        : Who was in the car this morning ?
Husband : System unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot.

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The Y to K Problem

I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions, because to be honest, none of the panic surrounding this "Y to K" date problem makes any sense to me. At any rate, I have finished converting the source code in all the company's programs so that they are ready for the new dates with the following new months:
        Januark
        Februark
        Mak
        Julk
and days:
        Mondak
        Tuesdak
        Wednesdak
        Thursdak
        Fridak
        Saturdak
        Sundak
Years were a breeze, since they are only spelled out in the Legal department's applications, and won't be affected until two thousand and twentk anyway. Please note that have I completed my assignment before the scheduled due date and way under budget. I have enjoyed working for you and hope you will consider me for future projects.

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Great Sardar Jokes

Sardar G and Exams

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the
examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his
shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as
well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.
The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "Oye, I am only following the
instructions yaar," he says, " it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief'.".

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Sardar G and Lie Detector

An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie detector . The Englishman
says:
"I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer".
BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.
"Ok", he says, "10 bottles".
And the machine is silent.
The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers".
BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.
"Allright, 8 hamburgers".
And the machine's silent.
The Sardarji says:
"I think...",
BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.

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Sardar G and Banana Peel

So this sardarji is walking the other day and comes across a banana peel on the road. Can you
guess what he must be thinking ??
"Saala aaj bhi girna parega..."

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Sardar G and Donkey

Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?" The sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it had I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."

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Sardar G and Bet

Surjit Singh saw that his friend Baljit Singh was very depressed.
"What happened ?" asked Surjit.
"Yaar, I lost Rs. 800 in a bet yesterday . "
"How come ?"
"Well, yesterday, the one-day match between India and England was being shown live on TV. I bet
Rs.500 that India would win, but I lost the bet."
" But thats only Rs. 500, where did the rest go ?"
" Yaar, I bet on the highlights too!"

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Sardar G and Phone

A sardarji with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his
ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?" "The scoundrel called back."

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Sardar G and Capital

One great day in Bombay, One young couple was on honeymoon tour. They saw one Sardarji in
front of Hospital ( Bridge Candy ) was trying to fill some form. So eagerly the couple enquired " aare
Sardarji kya kar raahe ho " Sardarji replied that he had a baby and was filling the birth certificate
form. Young Couple as per preshedule, they took the Bombay to Delhi Flight for their next destination.
On the very next day, they find the same Sardarji, in front of Lal Qilla in Delhi filling the same form.
So once again young couple curiously asked " Aare Sardarji kya kar raahe ho" sardarji once
again replied that he had a baby and was filling the birth certificate form. Couple said but
sardarji yesterday you were in bombay filling the same form Why you are in Delhi.
Sardaji cooly replied " Aare Saab Ye form mein leekha hey ke FILL IN CAPITAL"
Aap ko etna bhi patta nahi hei .. Ha Ha Ha.....

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Sardarni writes a Letter

The following is a letter from a sardarni mother to her son at school.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pyaarey Puttar,

Vahe Guru. I am writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved! I won't be able to give you the address as the last sardar who stayed in this house took the numbers with them for their next house, so they couldnt have to change their
address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well, last week I put in three shirts and pulled the chain and I HAVE NOT SEEN THEM SINCE. The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
We got another bill from the funeral home. It said that if we don't make the last payment on GRANDPA'S FUNERAL, he will come up again. Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass in the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning, I havent found out whether it is a boy or girl, so I don't know whether you are an aunt or uncle!
There isn't much more news at this time. nothing much has happened.
love,

mom
p.s. i was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.

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The Divine Sign

A Rabbi and a Priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither cleric is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the Rabbi sees the Priest's collar and says, "So you're a Priest, that's interesting. I'm a Rabbi...Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we
are unhurt. This must be sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The Priest replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God! The Rabbi continued, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the Priest. The Priest shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the Rabbi. The Rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Priest.

The Priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The Rabbi replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

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